Right Ok, so I’m probably not the best of people to be talking about this subject, but I’m going to be talking about it anyway. You’ll see me in my naiveity trying to address and come to terms with this subject of toxic person. So just join the journey with me?
Why am I doing this? well it took me absolutely ages to figure out a Toxic person, and considering I have a degree in psychology I’m quite disappointed in myself. You’d think that I would be the first to uncover it.
I’ll give myself the benefit of the doubt- that’s just what Empath’s do. We believe and like to see the best in people, and its just something that us, who are interested in psychology do too- we try to understand thing’s from other people’s perspective. But when the understanding comes to a halt, When the best things about the person turn out to be conniving, manipulative, and destructive. That’s when you know you can no longer give of yourself. Boundaries need to be put into place. And staying away is the only option. That is when you know you are dealing with a Toxic Person.
Have you ever met a person and like wondered like “There’s something odd about this person” but you can’t put your finger on it, you can’t work out what exactly it is- you like this person, yet you dislike them? That!! That just their! That was your cue. If only someone told me this years ago……
So all in all- how do you spot a Toxic person? Their are certain traits that all Toxic people have and I promise you, you’ll be able to spot it in your next conversation:
Here’s my theory – please feel free to add or tell me if I’m wrong- as I mentioned I’m just discovering this – I’m way away from the reality of it all ( and its even more frightening then I thought it would be)
Right that’s easy we know loads of selfish people don’t we? But….. not all selfish people are Toxic and that’s something we have to try and remember. This is a different type of selfish.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and somehow at the end of it- you realise all you have talked about is the other person? Their needs, their wants, What they want to do, how they do it and to an extent where you feel obliged to help them? And when you somehow do get 3 seconds to talk about yourself this somehow turn’s into them as well?
A Toxic person will not ask genuinely if you are Ok? unless their is something in it for themselves or unless they want to shut you down and talk about how unfair life is for them.
Spot the signs- evaluate your conversation afterwards. Did your partner/friend/colleague give you some time to think of yourself? help you with anything? Ask how you are without turning it into them?
Toxic people have to have ‘Drama’ around them- more often than not they created it themselves- not that they would admit it (I dare you to tell them!). They always have something going on in their life- and if nothing is happening then they will do something to create it- how else will they get attention?
Talking about how tired they are, or how much work they do, or how they are treated at work, and the illnesses, (I’m not hating here!) only a toxic person suffers from illness. Tell them you have the same condition and they will tell you how much ‘worse’ it is for them!
Toxic people love attention- and what better way to get attention? They Create the drama and become a victim, like a Dementor in Harry Potter sucking the happiness right out from you.
The reality is ‘we would be liars if we said we do not lie’. Everyone lies, its part of parcel of life. But a Toxic Person’s whole life revolves around lying. Evan when faced with the truth in black and white in front of them. They call the victim card and lie.
And Even after they have been uncovered, they don’t shy away, they act as though they were right all along. A Person that can lie easily, and can believe the lie that they created in their head, is a dangerous person. Pay close attention to that. This is a toxic persons way of telling you that they will do it again.
Pay very close attention to this. When someone blames someone else for all of life’s problems, rather than taking responsibility. This can be big things and the most trivial small things.
Didn’t pass a driving test because no one helped them……Couldn’t get to work because no one dropped them off……Always sick because too much housework and no one to help them……Couldn’t pay you back because didn’t have access to a laptop…. didn’t go for the job because no one encouraged them.
Seriously the reasoning can be so silly. Toxic people will never take accountability for their own actions, and can never be wrong- so the blame game is used, and everyone close to them will get blamed….. including You.
Forgive and Forget
Life is full of trials and tribulations, its full of misunderstandings and emotions. We all have to go through the motions and to grow through processes we have to forgive and forget. Then we move on and try to make things positive going forward……
That is unless you are Toxic. Toxic person loves drama – and forgive and forget are just words in their vocabulary to use as they wish- until they want to bring up things once again from 5 year’s- sometimes 10 year’s sometimes even longer.
You will have forgotten the incident- but they hold it close to their heart to spew at you at any given chance…. and also don’t forget they love to lie- so the added drama to the story makes it more vile than the actual experience.
You have an issue- you raise that issue, you expect answers right? But not a Toxic Person, they are born with this charm where they twist and turn everything that you say so that your no longer talking about the issue- but have moved on to something else.
Your issue will never be answered, because the answer lies within the question itself and a Toxic person will never accept defeat- rather they will manipulate the situation where you come off looking bad. And your issue will still not be answered…
Nice? Only if it serves a Purpose
Toxic people are actually the best charmers, the sweetest smile, the most innocent in face, polite and charming….. if they want something from you.
See how they act with someone who can do nothing for them, maybe the cleaner that comes in, the window cleaner, the postman, bin men, other people’s children. Do they hold the same charm? Charisma? or is that just reserved for the people who they want to manipulate?
Nobody is good Enough
Their are loads of people that annoy us, even in the bestest of friends- we will find certain qualities that annoy us- we also display these qualities to others. Yet we bypass this because we see the positive qualities outway the nitty gritty small habits.
Unless you are toxic. A toxic person will focus on those qualities and highlight that over everything else, to a point where they will even go down to a persons appearance even though that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Don’t ever allow the words of a Toxic person get to your head, its just a manipulation tactic to use against you one day when needed.
Right I couldn’t find the right word for this- I tried and I tried- but I couldn’t get it. I stuck with this. Keenness.
When a Toxic person wants to friend you- they will come into your life like a roller coaster, they will be the friend and confidant that you needed- they will manipulate you into thinking of them and doing for them out of this friendship. They will sit on your shoulder and tell you how you are the bestest of friends together. Of how you cant do without each other. The world revolves properly because the two of you are together.
Building relationships and trust in a relationship – whether that be friendship or love or business takes time. A toxic person smothers you to a position where you feel inclined, obliged or even pressured into involvement in a matter of days. Its going back to my first sentence : “when you feel something is odd- but cant put your finger on it”
When you kindly put them down, and ask for space- they turn into victims and give you a guilt trip. Look out for this behaviour. Do not take it in internally and feel you need to be their support system. Its all manipulative ways of getting you hooked.
We all have mood swings- we all have off days, but a Toxic person will make it very clear when they are having an off day, and you wont even know why. Even if you ask them they wont respond with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or any answer at all. This is their way of getting attention.
From this we automatically go into defence mode, so we try harder, we become more pleasant, we give more attention, we try to converse more. We become funny, we make promises, we take on more than we should… all the while what we are really doing is tip-toeing on eggshells- over something we have no clue about!
Stop It! Just Stop it! If they are not adult enough to talk about it. Walk away. You are not responsible for anyone’s feelings, especially when you have no idea what is wrong in the first place.
Using these can help you spot a Toxic Person a mile away- and once you identify with his- its easier to walk away before the manipulation kicks in.
Do you know a toxic person? Can you add to my list? Is there anything that wrong with my list? Do let me know, I would love to know more. I’m actually intrigued with the subject.
Love and Regards